I haven’t written anything since the election.

Rather, I haven’t finished writing anything since the election—all the half-posts cobbled together would probably make some sort of coherent sense. But any thoughts I’ve wanted to explore have inevitably been interrupted by another new outrage or annoyance or fear. So I’ve let them pile up in my mind, unleashing them occasionally in brief Facebook comments or verbal spews at friends.

This morning I realized I need to do more than this, so I’m going to pound them all out in a list before my brain caves in on itself. I’ll bet a lot of you will nod your head in agreement about at least one.

1. The phrase, “Hold my beer”
It was funny once. It isn’t anymore. Especially when used in reference to bombing countries. Please stop.

2. White people
Seriously, how are we still in power? We don’t deserve to be. We’re horrible.

3.“While you were busy focusing on…”
You know what I don’t have a shortage of right now? THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT. There is literally a new issue every hour, on the hour. It’s impossible to keep up and – as is clear from the tone of this post – completely crazy-making. Please stop telling me that I’m worrying about the wrong things.

4. GoFundMe campaigns for anything other than death
Oh like you weren’t thinking it.

5. Jeff Sessions’ face
I tried for 10 minutes to think of a metaphor but can’t for the life of me find the words. Something involving an elf*. He’s creepy as fuck, I know that.

6. Headlines with hyperbolic verbs
No one was slayed or destroyed or eviscerated. We will be needing these verbs in earnest in the very near future so please refrain for the moment.

7. Satire from any outlet that isn’t The Onion
Andy Borowitz, I am looking fiercely in your direction.

8. Hillary Clinton
Remember that ‘walk in the woods’? I thought that was so relatable. I’d probably wander in the woods with no makeup on too if I’d just lost the presidency to a complete buffoon. I felt sorry for her. I grieved for her. And then a funny thing happened – each successive time she showed her face, I got angrier. Because this whole gigantic mess is kinda her fault. No, actually it’s TOTALLY her fault. You can spend all year blaming sexism, rural voters, polling, the Russians, emails, and Comey – precisely what she’s doing in fact – but at the end of the day, this is her fault. I’m confident she’s smart enough to know that, deep down. So I’d appreciate it if she’d go retire on an island while the rest of us deal with the apocalyptic shit show she has left us.

9. Alcohol
Though the numbing euphoria is so lovely.

10. Trump supporters
The end.

 

*Editor’s Note: the author’s view do not reflect those of Graceless, who believe the Quendi people (commonly and inaccurately referred to as “Elves”) are a proud and beautiful people.

**Response to editor’s note: Nerd.